Holy Crap, It’s a New Post

Two Years. That’s how long every visitor to greggpodolski.com–all both of them–have had to look at that picture of a freakishly ugly baby that I posted to accompany my last entry. For that, I apologize. I hereby swear that no future entries on this blog will be accompanied by pictures of freakishly ugly babies unless those babies are doing something really important, like being breast-fed by Megan Fox. In which case, I believe I would be completely justified.

And yes, new posts ARE on the way. Unlike my gym membership–which sucked money out of my bank account for the better part of three years–I intend to actually use my blog again. The way I see it, the Internet is getting bigger every day, and there simply aren’t enough blogs out there written by people no one’s ever heard of, discussing subjects that nobody cares about, to fill up all the open space. It’s my duty as a citizen in this digital age to not only update you on the insignificant minutiae of my everyday life, but also offer my completely unfounded and often misinformed opinions about subjects that I know little or nothing about. Such is the very essence of blog writing. So, without further adieu:

1. Went to work today. Had a cup of coffee from the break room. Man, work coffee SUCKS!

2. My daughter will be three in July. She’s cuter/smarter/better at not peeing her pants than your child. Just trust me on this.

3. Boy, those head honchos at BP sure have some explaining to do, huh?

4. You know how they should really fix that oil spill: Illegal immigrants. Just round all of them up and shove them into that pipe until the thing’s good and stopped up. Kill two birds with one stone, you know?

5. Please go to my facebook page and friend me. It validates my existence.

Annnnd, done. Now if that’s not riveting, thought-provoking Internet, I don’t know what is. More to come.

Oh yes, there WILL be more to come.

Not All Babies Are Cute

I think we can all agree on that, don’t you? I think, if you took a really honest poll, most people would admit that, at one time or another, they have kissed a baby in the presence of its parents and then immediately wondered if they’d contracted some type of degenerative skin disease.

Not all of these unfortunate babies are hideous, of course. Some just don’t look quite right. Maybe one eye’s a little bit lower than the other one. Maybe they have this weird birthmark in the shape of Angela Lansbury right smack in the middle of their forehead. Maybe their mustache isn’t as well-groomed as it could be.

This is especially true when the baby’s just born, during those first few days when its parents say things like “Oh, isn’t she precious” and their friends say things like “Dear God, what happened to your pet monkey?”

They don’t really say that, of course. That’s the problem. When it comes to the child’s looks, we all have to ignore the facts and pretend that they’re the most beautiful things on the face of the Earth. Preferably without vomiting directly on them. It’s the only characteristic we have to lie about. Nobody gets pissed if you say their kid smells funny, burps a lot, or screams so loud dolphins migrating off the coast stop to give your house the finger. They just laugh and nod their heads. But say their kid looks like something that came out of Freddy Krueger’s ass and suddenly you’re a douchebag.

This socially-mandated fiction speaks to the heart of the real problem–America’s unhealthy obsession with appearances.

Why is calling a baby ugly such an insult? Looks have absolutely nothing to do with what type of person you are. Except in this country, where a woman could pull fifteen quadriplegic orphans out of a school bus that plunged off a bridge into a piranha-infested river and all the magazines would focus on is whether or not her ass looked chunky in her wet jeans.

That’s why we have to come up with half-assed, bullshit compliments whenever we’re confronted with an infant whose face could permanently detach your retinas. Comments like:

“Wow, that unibrow sure makes him look distinguished.”

“At that age, my baby barely had any teeth at all, let alone three growing out of her ear.”

“She has a great personality.”

If you hear these–or similar comments–on a regular basis, just accept the fact that your kid won’t be getting by on his or her looks and move on. Hey, what better time to start teaching them the fine art of ass-kissing than when they’ll put any damn thing in their mouth anyway?

R.I.P., George

I was 13 years old and hanging out at my friend Matt’s house one night when this comedy special came on HBO. It was some old guy with white hair and a ponytail dressed all in black, but the audience seemed to like him, so I gave him a shot. Five minutes in, I’d laughed so hard I couldn’t see the screen anymore. All I could make out was this guy’s rough, raspy, angry yet child-like voice, saying things that I knew I shouldn’t be hearing, which just made them all the more funny.

When I made my brief, ill-advised foray into stand-up comedy (I believe the stench from most of my “act” can still be seen hanging like a dark green cloud over New Brunswick), I tried desperately to be like him. It was literally the only thing I had in common with every other comedian on the planet. We all want to be like him.

Well, not now, of course. The goddamn guy is dead.

Keep killing ‘em, George.

Wake Up And Smell The Recession

By

Gregg Podolski

What is a recession? Most economists define the term as, “The steady contraction of the national economy over a time span of no less than six months.” By contrast, most Presidents in office during a recession define the term as, “We are not in a recession.”

The fact is, most people don’t care what you call it when the economy spirals downward faster than Lindsey Lohan at Hedonism–all they care about is being able to pay their bills without resorting to drastic measures, such as selling health insurance.